Poems by the Masters
by shimmering-unicorn-horn
Summary: YOWAZH! The girls are back in town and ready for poemtasticness! Herein lies the most brilliant poems and short stories I hope you will every lay pupils on. Be prepared to cry, laugh, sing, and dance naked in the street. Do enjoy yourself...
1. Ode to Harry’s Summer

**Rating: **Fat ol' G to the max

**Disclaimeeee:** Das right! Nuttin herr belungs to me o' nubudy but J.K.Rowling huself! So thurr!

**Ode to Harry's Summer**

Oh Dudley has gotten quite big

And even though he resembles a pig

His hatred of Harry hasn't changed since he was small

And his stomach still looks like a big, round ball

He is abusive and mean

And needs to get lean

He lies to his mum

And is really quite dumb

He often uses his Smeltings Stick

His hair is blond and thick

We don't know what the dementors put in his mind

But for a while he acts deaf, mute and blind

And for that Harry gets into trouble

And the ministry's anger begins to bubble

And many a letter he is sent

But to break the law he hadn't meant

So away we went to the trial

Where Dumbledore came and saved him without even a friendly smile

And the rest of the summer he cleans Grimmauld Place

He is thrilled to see many a happy face

Until he gets jealous of Ron's new post

Because it is something he wanted most

But he acts better then Dudley

Who's really quite ugly

But is distant to Ron

Who's done nothing wrong

And as such is Harry's summer

Which was really a bummer

THE END


	2. Ode to Ron

**Ode to Ron**

**Fake Rating: **NC-17, explicit language ,sexuality and overzealous crabcakes.

**The REAL rating: **Less then G…I would say -G

**Authors: **Amy and Elizabeth, typed by yours truly

**Disclaimer of sorts: **Yeah, that's right, this poem DOES rock. Don't worry, we will return the characters back to JKR's brilliant chasm of a mind as soon as we are through mutilating them…

Ode to Ron! He turns so red

And what about his orange-haired head?

And when he's shocked, he has once said,

"Bloody chicken!"

And his sugar quills, he's always lickin'

As everyone knows, he hates divination

And the Imperious curse is quite a sensation

In the Department of Mysteries he has fun with some brains

Even though the scars gave him some pains

And even though Hermione, the Death Eater's maim

The Death Munchies stop and now are contained

And they are wanted, now, to be in chains

And fed naught everyday save for 1 piece of grain

But, for now, Ron must deal with Harry's angst

And he'll stand by him without even a "thanks"

Alas, poor Ron, he's unaware of his fate

He'll be forced to turn around at the heavenly gate

"Sir Ron" will face a heroic death

And on the battlefield, he'll take his last breath

He will die for what's good, he will die for what's right

And he'll fight and he'll kill all through the night

And now Harry stands all alone

Standing and staring at Ron's gravestone…

THE END


	3. Eulogy of Sirius Black

**Rating:** PG (for a death thingy)

**Dis to the claim to the er: **All and All to God (JKR)

**Eulogy for Sirius Black**

**By: **Elizabeth and AmyCurtis

Alas, poor Sirius, we knew him well

But in front of a veil, he suddenly fell

And Harry has been left all alone in the world

Dumbledore's possessions across the room were hurled

And an article in the Daily Prophet was posted

By Azkaban, who wanted him well roasted

Because they had yet to learn of his demise

But, thanks to Harry, he sailed with Buckbeak through the skies

And for a while he stayed in Grimmauld Place

And a bit of happiness crept back into his old-looking face

And every full moon he turned into a dog

While he watched his werewolf friend sit on a log

He is accused of killing Lily and James

And spent 12 years in Akaban's flames

But he was innocent, and it truth, it was not he

It was Wormtail, a rat, who decided to flee

Sirius had wanted to kill him, but he was restrained

And in prison he lived quite well contained

But now, poor Sirius, he know he is dead

And for that, Harry will have Kreacher's head

Harry cries and his heart is quite sore

So he sits and reads page 394


	4. Wormtail, the Rat

**Rated: **E for everyone, unless you are afraid of rats

**Claim the dis:** I OWM EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE…except the Harry Potter stuff…grumble

**Wormtail, the Rat**

My names Wormtail and I am a rat

Even my animagus for is just that

At school people knew me as Peter Pettigrew

I was part of the Mauraders crew

Moony, Padfoot, Prongs and me

Remus, Sirius and James, you see

I really loved having powerful friends

The would protect me to all ends

But during the first of Voldemort's reign

My friendship with them began to strain

Voldemort's power was so great

What's the use to hesitate?

I valued my life over those of my friends

Should I have died for them, and lost my head?

When Voldmort fell I faked my own death

And sent Sirius to Azkaban in the same breath

Disguised as a rat I lived with the Ron boy

This was all part of my clever ploy

When I escaped my "friends" for the second time

I decided my old master, I would find

and help to resurrect him, I did

After I found out where he had hid

Now James is gone, and Sirius (I knew)

And then there were two

And then there were two


	5. Quirrel's Rap

**Rating: **Big fat G, for Grrrrrrreat

**Widerruf**: Es's nicht meiner. Keiner von ist. Es gehört alle J. K. Rowling, unser Gott. (Disclaimer: It's not mine. None of is. It all belongs to J.K. Rowling, our God.)

**Quirrel's Rap**

**(yes it must be rapped into order to get the full effect)**

Oh, Quirrel you former professor, you,

I just don't know why you do what you do,

I used to think your stuttering was cool,

But now I see you were just a fool,

I used to think you were alright,

But now I know it was all a plight,

To kill me.

You were Voldemort's plaything, a toy in his hands,

You never failed to meet his demands,

Why did you become to easy to control?

I bet your animagus would be a mole,

Because Voldemort burrowed so deep inside,

Such a convenient place for him to hide,

Who would have guessed he was in your head?

If Dumbledore knew, he surely would have said,

But your plan failed, foiled by a kid,

By me, Harry Potter, the boy who lived,

Oh, Quirrel…


	6. The Life and Times of James Potter

**Rating**: GGGGGGGGGGGGG

**Dice-clammier**: can you believe it isn't mine? Isn't it amazing that all this belongs to JK Rowling?

**The Life and Times of James Potter**

James Potter, A Gryffindor, was noble and brave,

He died while his wife and son he tried to save,

But no on can stand against Voldemort's wrath,

There not blocking AV, so you do the math,

He was known as Prongs to his Marauder quartet,

And Padfoot was the best friend he had ever met,

The messed up his hair to impress the girls,

And this makes Lily want to hurl (s),

But James has a crush on Lily Evans,

Who will someday depart with him to the heavens,

James was no prefect but head boy he became,

But in all sorts of pranking, the marauder's held blame,

But in 7th year Lily Evans came around,

And soon Lily Potter could be found,

Then together they made a tiny little boy,

: And he was their only pride and joy,

But Voldemort was on the prowl, looking out for them,

For he had heard the prophecy and Harry he would condemn,

Little Harry would surely have died,

But first, his mother, Voldemort spied?

She died to save him, ancient magic it was,

And the name of the magic, it was love,

And now James and Lily watch from above,


	7. Ode to Snape

**Rating:** G, unless you're allergic to Snape

**DisCLAIMer**: You really think JK Rowling would write: "O Snape, you're such a brute"?

**Ode to Snape**

O Snape, you're awful cute

O Snape, you're such a brute

The way you make your potions

How I love to see those motions

And the sneer you often make

Inside it makes me quake

The tattoo upon your arm

Will bring all the world to deadly harm

But alas you are a spy

Perhaps it would be better if you would die

You are nice to a rare few

Like when you do what Voldemort tells you to

We find your childhood was tough

But your manner's never rough

You are obviously above that sort of thing

O, it makes Peeves want to sing

About Potty Wee Potter and how you hate him so

And how you drag him to detention with the Weasel in tow

You foster the hatred between Malfoy and Harry

But we know those two will someday marry

Or, at least, Draco will fall for Ginny

Whom, in my opinion, is a ninny

You hated James Potter, that we know

And when you met Harry, you let it show

Ah, Snape, why are you so tricksy?

Why are you so false?

The only human thing about you

Is the steady beating pulse!

You chose to spend your days alone

In your dungeons you do hide

But maybe there's more to you

You just hide it deep inside


	8. Ode to Salazar

**Rating:** PG-5

**Disclimmer: **Bet JKR really _likes _Hufflepuffs…bet _she _doesn't make fun of them… (damn you amy!)

**Ode to Salazar**

Oh Salazar Slytherin, you were one of the four

Who started the school, but you wanted more

You and Godric must have been great friends

But often you fought and couldn't make amends

You betrayed Helga, Rowena and Godric too

The reason for your hatred, we haven't a clue

But we do know that you left an heir

Who got lots of followers like Malfoy and Macnair

Oh Salazar, you crazy old coot

I bet your birthday parties were a hoot

You had a thing with types of blood

If they weren't pure, you called them mud

You refused to let these mudbloods be in your house

For they had the value of a louse

Why, oh, why, were you so picky?

I bet deep down you were just like Mickey

You favorite colors were silver and green

But that doesn't explain why you were so mean

Perhaps, unlike Helga, you had expectations

And the Chamber of Secrets was your creation (s)

You had a fetish with rather large snakes

And I bet you baked some rather good cakes

But all in all, we really must wonder

What caused you to make all of the blunders

And you left the school to your old friends

Thus bringing the Slytherin honor to its end


End file.
